Michele's Manic Mania

  Today 10/19/24 ~Frustrating to say the least ~Pointless ~Wasted ~Bored----Scared of getting trapped in my thoughts Feeling unappreciated…..IT IS ALREADY STARTING….. =Not enough. .......Never enough.......Why Thoughts have over taken....what if's, whys.... Tomorrow⇎ 10/20/24 Should have known....... Same feeling every time. I will never be "enough"  Or  Do "enough" I understand that and accept it.  However the heart break never goes away. Instantly walking on egg shells.   Mood changed as quickly as the snap of my fingers.  I am  Constantly wondering what I did wrong even when your not mad. My head may explode......or possibly melt. This is not what I planned, or even closely  envisioned.  This is what I have though.  There has been a lot of highs and a lot of lows, and a million and one thing to do differently, I still would not change a single thing. Every week you find a reason to pick a fight.   I kee...

10/07/24 Can anyone tell me what the meaning of life is?.... Yea the real meaning......am almost forty and still don't know nor do I think I will ever know. I have gone through over half my life being bullied., and continually getting stomped on. I I feel so small, I constantly walk on eggshells. When was the last time you heard a true emotion come out of me? You haven't in years, you won't any more. I changed for you once and you wouldn't compromise in the slightest.and I lost all sense of who I was for your mistake. I am continually apologizing for mistakes/decisions lately; I have been for a while. You, yes you have officially broken me from the inside out.   8/19 Here I am looking at the~my reflection in the mirror. Hesitant, scared woman almost 40 that I do not recognize.   My how I have aged, look tarnished, beaten down..... All self inflicted, man wtf...... Looking @ my lil life, my kids, boyfriend....I'm not as ready to leave this earth as I thought I was, n...

 Screaming inside but no words are coming out. Speechless, shockingly no anger, mentally defeated, laying in pain you will never know. ,,,,,,,,,,,,........................................................................................................................................ As the anger sets in my brain is playing one hundred and one questions.  What do I ask first, what do I say, what do I do?  I still have no words.  Im trapped drowning in my thoughts.  Somebody help me my thoughts are spinning out of control, not sure if Im a danger to myself or someone else.   Stuck, no words, tears at the thought of giving up.  Thoughts alone are sole shattering, heart stabbed all over again.   Permanently broken, no hope for pieces being found, empty inside, tired, why fight anymore nobody cares: haven't for a while, hell I don't care anymore.

Women in a time of need typically call for their mom and mom helps them navigate through life right?  Well what do you do when you don't have that luxury?  Who do you turn to?  Your best friend? Family...what family?  I tried that, he still doesn't understand that these feelings are overwhelming and taking over at this point.  Now what do I do? Who do I turn to?  I have been drowning in my own thoughts, and this thing called life for years.  I feel used and thrown away like a piece of trash, worthless, and don't know what direction to turn in or what to do anymore. - Suck it up, move on, figure it out....I just can't anymore.  For the first time in my life I am standing here (alone) asking "What about me? Do I matter? Hell do I even really care anymore?"  I don't know who I am anymore or what I am doing in life and though asking for help has been done, it doesn't seem that anyone believes that I don't want to feel this way, however it just wo...

Everyone starts out with a big heart right?  When you have kids you think its so full of love it is going to explode.  You question everything and want nothing but the best for them, and in my case to be better than me on every level.  For most moms, tales I think anyway, we would do anything for them and give up ourselves for them.  What happens when that isn't enough?  Would you believe a ten year old would or could make you question how you were even a mother or possibly even a good mother?  Would you believe that this child could completely tear a family apart who was already on the edge?  Most don't and won't and haven't for the last year and a half.  This isn't even the beginning of my mania it is just today.